Healer > Healing

"We delude ourselves into believing that if we can just get everything done, if we can only tie up all the loose ends, if we can even once get ahead of the crush, we will prove our worth and establish ourselves in safety. Our problem with time is social, cultural, and economic, to be sure. But it is also a spiritual problem, one that runs right to the core of who we are as human beings... Indeed, these distortions drive us into the arms of a false theology: we come to believe that we, not God, are the masters of time. We come to believe that our worth must be proved by the way we spend our hours and that our ultimate safety depends on our own good management." - Dorothy Brass (Receive the Day)

I get myself into these seasons of life in which I become so preoccupied with productivity and trying to tame time-- as if time needs to be tamed. It's not that I need more hours in the day; it's that I have to say "no" more often. If there was a recents page for the words that I use most, like there are for emojis on my iPhone keyboard, "no" would probably never make an appearance. Unless it's my response to rest, which God has lovingly made me to both need and enjoy.

Time looks like it’s on nobody’s side when I walk through the city and see people risking their lives to make it across the street while the red hand is blinking and cars are coming (oh wait, that’s me); or as taxi drivers honk obnoxiously with some sort of optimism that it will quicken the traffic that goes on for the next mile (witnessed it yesterday); or as I see sweat falling from a businessman’s face as he swings a building door open with the strength of Goliath. He’s late. I’m late. I got Most Likely to Be Late in high school; I bragged about it then but I’m ashamed of it now.

I laugh with a shaking head of disbelief at how impatient and restless I often am, along with much of caffeinated and Amazon-Primed America. Jesus had the biggest mission that there will ever be on this earth, and He was never in a hurry. He never prayed for the Father to speed it up already so that He can return to His glorious trinitarian commune (I think I'd be anxious to get back to that), or for the disciples to quicken the pace because He had some people to heal. This is amazing to me. It seems as though He has every right to be in a hurry-- He's a man on the biggest mission. And yet He knew how to wait and to wait well.

We all know that being late is stressful. And the uncertainty of waiting can be, too.

Waiting in traffic.

Waiting for the paycheck.

Waiting for an acceptance letter.

Waiting to clock out of work.

Waiting for a baby to be born.

Waiting to be healed.

Waiting for prayers to be answered.

With the eternal hope that we have as Christians, we spend our lives on this earth waiting-- longing-- for that moment in which we come face-to-face with our Savior. It is why we sing in hymns, “Come, Lord Jesus, come”, though not passively. We still have roles to play in His kingdom, bringing His name to the ends of the earth.

Waiting is hard; yet we are told all throughout the Word of God to wait for Him. (Lamentations 3:25, Isaiah 40:31, Micah 7:7, Psalm 27:14)

Because I continue to wait for a right diagnosis for whatever has been going on in my body for most of my life, the passage of Scripture that I have begun to treasure immensely as of tonight is John 11. It is when Mary and Martha were in despair over their brother, Lazarus’, sickness.

Let's read... “So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.” When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days...” John 11:3-6 Wait, if He loved them, why would He stay where He was for two more days? By then, the smell of Lazarus’ body would have the awful stench of death, and Mary and Martha would have been greatly let down. Does He love them or not? If He did, He would hurry. Right? It cannot be overlooked that Jesus made the decision to stay after explaining that it was for God’s glory that Lazarus would not die. It was not because Lazarus was deserving in and of himself, or because Judean life insurance had him covered. It was for God’s glory that He would be raised to life-- just as our lives and deaths as believers are meant for, too.

I wonder what kinds of questions, doubts and fears Mary and Martha had as they waited two days, not knowing whether Jesus would come--- and if not, why not. “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”

Luke 11:21-22 She hadn’t lost hope; but if He had just been there. Later, Mary fell at Jesus’ feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” She was disappointed; but if He had just been there. When Jesus saw Mary cry, He was moved. Later, having seen Lazarus, Jesus wept. The Jews took note of this, realizing that His love for Lazarus was sincere.

It is a beautiful thing to see that, though Jesus already knew of the miraculous ending, Jesus was still able and willing to sympathize with genuine emotions and heartfelt tears. He got down in the mess of mankind always-- and He still does. Know that He sympathizes with and intercedes for you, too, dear Christian.

Let's go back to those two days Jesus stayed where He was...

When He told His disciples that Lazarus had fallen asleep, they tried to keep him from going by reminding him of the Jews who might persecute Him again. "So then He told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.” (John 11:15) Now let me quickly jump to a book, Liturgy of the Ordinary, that I read last night in which the author proposed that our sin has impatience at its root. Consider what we find ourselves unable to wait for, which has brought about both sin and pain. This could be premarital sex, underaged drinking, idolizing material wealth, whatever it is. I now recognize that much of my sin is caused by my will to rush ahead of God, to do things on my own initiative, and to not trust that God is who He says He is— and that His ways are better even if they seem to take longer in my time-pressed mentality. But isn’t now always better?

It was not better for Jesus to go to Lazarus right away. If He had, not as many people would have been able to experience His glory. Note that it is not just about the healing, but the Healer. I'm afraid that if Jesus gave me the answers to my health issues right away, rather than making me continue to wait all of these years, I would've taken the answers and went on my way in the independence that I so constantly strive to attain. But I am slowly (see, there's something that I haven't rushed) learning to wait on Him in His time, and to appreciate my dependency.

I am not just waiting for Jesus to bring healing, which is something that He is not required to bring. I also long for intimacy with Him, and intimacy is not instant. This, too, takes time. And if a health issue that causes me to face my human limitations on a daily basis is what it takes for me to lean into Him and to see that He is moved by my tears too, than let it be however much longer.

I know, now, that He sees the confusion and heartache of going in and out of doctor appointments for years. He saw the hope that I felt when I thought I knew what was wrong with my body a few months ago. And He sees my frustration about where I am at now— having to start over. He doesn’t just see this though. He also sees that “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.“ (Romans 5:3b) He sees a different me at the end of this-- a me that recognizes the full dependency I have on Him who cares for me. Worth it. I am thankful for my family, who has shown me the patience of Jesus as I have broken down many times. And again, it amazes me that Jesus gets down to our humanly level and cries in His own embodiment, so willing to give comfort though He sees the end of each of our stories. Jesus is not patting any of us on the shoulder in the midst of our trials and temptations, heartaches and pain, saying with an insincere half-smile, "It's all good, this too will pass." No, not at all.

He is full of love for us, He is still moved by our tears, and He knows. Take heart.